Picking Up Chicks at Suicide Awareness Club

A jumpin'-jive journal

end of days
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
You can never really go back. I've felt that for a long time---knew it was coming more than a year ago. Knew that when I left things would never be the same. I feel sick. I want to throw up but nothing comes out. But where can I go but forward?
I'd thought about death for myself to escape the trouble but that would never work. I've still left and it won't save my friends any pain. If she died everything would be so much simpler. I thought that about Luc, towards the end---there's no way this will end well, something has to break, please let it be him and not me, please. Let me be the good guy. But it didn't work and I still have nightmares about razors. Now things are totally different but I feel the same. Just like leaving Redlands and knowing everything was gone. I love her but I cannot do this anymore. I don't know why. The other night I had a dream where we got married but it was a nightmare. I have to break up with her. There is nothing else for it. Last night I cried about it. She didn't know what upset me so and she cried too and I loved her so much for it, for everything. The way she kisses the tip of my nose. The perfect way our bodies fit together while we sleep. I want to throw up. I don't know how I'm going to do this to her. I don't know why I have to. But I do.

(no subject)
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz
the material conditional function $a \to b$ returns a truth value of 1 whenever the antecedent is false. meanwhile the logical consequence function $a \implies b$ returns a truth value of 0 whenever the antecedent is false. neither of these are desirable.
consider the statement "if 2 > 5, then the eiffel tower is in bolivia". in classical logic by the material conditional this statement is vacuously true; anything that follows from from a falsehood, semantic or syntactic, is. this is based on the principle of explosion($\forall p((a \wedge (\neg a)) \to p)$). but this is clearly undesirable. we know the Eiffel tower is not in bolivia and setting another non-true thing to be true that is unrelated to the eiffel tower ought not make it true.
consider the statement "if 2 > 5 and 5 > 3, then 2 > 3". in classical logic by logical consequence this statement is false; any statement with a false antecedent is false. here we have a conjunction between the terms "2 > 5" and "5 > 3", and a conjunction returns a truth value of 1 just in case both terms are true. only the second term in this conjunction is true so the conjunction as a whole is false, meaning the statement as a whole is false under the logical consequence. but this too is undesirable. of course 2 is not greater than 5 but if it were it would also have to be greater than 3 because 5 is greater than 3.
now both of these functions have their merits. if we were to apply the first function to the second statement and vice versa we would get the kind of answers we want. but we have the problem of determining first without intuition which function to apply and second of having multiple conditionals running around in the same language. the second problem is more of an aesthetic concern really but the more powerful a language is, ie the more assumptions it makes and abstracts over, much like in programming, the less pure and useful it is for fine-grained operations. you'd never write a operating system in the wolfram language for instance. no, we only want multiple semi-redundant symbols if they are just shorthand for another more primitive symbol.
(of course both functions already mentioned are shorthand for more primitive symbols. detailed analysis to come.)
instead we need a new function that applies in every case and gives a truth value depending only on the relation of the terms rather than the truth value of the terms. what this function is i do not know. but it seems imperative if we are to have a rigorous foundation of human knowledge. perhaps i will spend my life working on it.

a bad few weeks
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz
https://archive.org/details/canyonjfrost_uchicago_NtoZ

"Yes it's pretty. But is it art?"
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz

















(no subject)
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz
I will soon post my art.


the work of a lifetime
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz

https://archive.org/details/fuzzysubsets

rainbow [just throw this at the end if im too late for the intro]
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz

everything has improved, save for my brother's mental sanity, since my last post.
this upcoming weekend is especially exciting, a lot of drugs and a hot date.
a good old teenage time.

post on here sometimes you fucks


The sum of all fears
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz

thanks for the title, christian. fits quite aptly.
the worst day ive had in 2 years. actually, probably longer than that.
all i can do now is go see my grandfather, and hope. feels so helpless, but at least its not hopeless. he is fighting.
the other dilemma just compounded on the already increasing crisis. it pushed me over the edge, but i think i needed that, badly.
stress brings the truly important problems in your life to light, always. what a wake up call.
you know, i had the premonition that something like that was coming; she was too eerily similar to the bird. i just didnt know that it would come so soon, that the wording would be the exact same.
my life felt like a bad sitcom, again. the truman show.
the silver lining is in that, now i know, now i understand the true root of these feelings, these pains.

only yourself

feels more comforting than lonely, now.
have to be stronger than ever, now.


THE MEMES ARE BECOMING REAL
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz

that astrology sex book might actually have some truth to it which is really strange; although i cant free myself from my own personal biases enough to tell completely and rationally.
also, i think im extremely neurotic, and that i incessantly worry over things that aren't real, not like actually crazy voices in my head sort of stuff, i mean that i overly dramaticize things and over analyze things too much too often, and it is a serious problem. i truly do get by with a little help from my friends. "just chill out, bro. it'll be alright."
i really try to not think about it at all, to not pity myself at all, and really to act like its not real at all, that its not that big of a deal, c'mon man you're so well off. but, i know that im a fucked up person and always will be. "is she tyler amounts of fucked up?" "no i dont think its that bad" (paraphrasing) during the podcast was so funny, but yeah, i am pretty fucked. 
just wanted to say a quick thanks to you guys, and for this livejournal being a thing. i love you and i love it. it helps to write it all out. not too much, but enough. you guys know what im talking about.


weird day you cracked my soul on. what? it just slipped man; it's a prank bro.
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz

what a weird day, i thought canyon died and ghosts are coming out of the attic, spooky shit man. meme magic is real.
thank god for tinder women to keep my shallow self well supplied with meaningless compliments for the cold winter, i love them all, each and every single one, even the single moms, even the ones not on here for hookups, even the disney pass holders, more than you.


?

Log in