i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
You can never really go back. I've felt that for a long time---knew it was coming more than a year ago. Knew that when I left things would never be the same. I feel sick. I want to throw up but nothing comes out. But where can I go but forward?
I'd thought about death for myself to escape the trouble but that would never work. I've still left and it won't save my friends any pain. If she died everything would be so much simpler. I thought that about Luc, towards the end---there's no way this will end well, something has to break, please let it be him and not me, please. Let me be the good guy. But it didn't work and I still have nightmares about razors. Now things are totally different but I feel the same. Just like leaving Redlands and knowing everything was gone. I love her but I cannot do this anymore. I don't know why. The other night I had a dream where we got married but it was a nightmare. I have to break up with her. There is nothing else for it. Last night I cried about it. She didn't know what upset me so and she cried too and I loved her so much for it, for everything. The way she kisses the tip of my nose. The perfect way our bodies fit together while we sleep. I want to throw up. I don't know how I'm going to do this to her. I don't know why I have to. But I do.
- end of days