Picking Up Chicks at Suicide Awareness Club

A jumpin'-jive journal

Pineapple
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz
BIG SHIT

Why do I do this to myself?
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz
With each passing day I grow closer to realizing I'm not made for this world. It's not a "haha I'm more special than everyone" feeling it's more like my mind is the circus freak. On the surface it seems like it works and has the unique properties but really it's not even functional. It's always knowing I'm crazy that makes me feel alone. I will never belong but there's a part of me people still want and care about but because I can't function I can never be with them. Either something I do or say will distance myself from them. Things may seem great for a while but I let them down. I can never be truly happy because I'm too weak or I don't belong. I never mean anyone discomfort yet that's the only outcome if I distance myself from them. There's never a safe middle ground. Only a few people ever understand me but of course I do something wrong. They may not hate me in the end but I can never make them happy again. At least that's how it feels. I make so many mistakes. At some points I feel so superior to all though. I just wish my skills and knowledge could be used in this world. In the end I'm no better than anyone. I'm worse. I don't want to work. I don't ever want to be uncomfortable but of course that can only lead me to that state. I overreact to everything. Everytime I write it's an overreaction. Is there anything really wrong? Probably not. But the fact I think there is is a problem on its own. How can I be so lonely when I'm loved. How can I be sad when I make people happy. No one will read this anyway. Nothing matters. My life ended as soon as I realized it could. I don't want to die. I don't want anyone to die. Does this make me weak? Maybe. Does it make me unable to act like the common man? Certainly. I will never leave this state of mind. Death is always hovering above. Holding onto things too tight only makes it easier to lose them. Too bad you tried, it was for nothing.

Sleepless death
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz
It's 3 or 4 and I'm watching how I met your mother while writing a comprehensive essay on why it sucks(just for me lol) and then I change course and watch some flylo music videos. Then I'm thinking wow I'm not tired and I'm not hungry. Did I die accidentally when I was in the woods? I didn't talk to a single person since then (face to face) and I got strange urges to write a bunch of things on paper. Probably ok idk for sure lol


(no subject)
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz

gun control keeps getting fucked by literally everyone nowadays. still, though. these sort of shootings are so insane. i can understand the fear. its so random. there are people like this in every town, it might seem like.

also how crazy was it that that dude from /r9k/ got totally defamed on a complete rumor. i bet he'll sue and become the biggest meme of all time.


fuck the internet
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz

i connected to this guy's teamspeak tonight to play a game or two of cs, after i talked to him and another guy on a deathmatch server. he got my ip address after i connected to the ts and stole my aol account and hijacked my steam account, as well as attempting to ransom off my steam account and aol for further blackmail. i think i handled the situation as best as i could to stop the bleeding quickly. he had a fucking keylogger or something, he took control of my mouse movement and attempted to get me to reset my password. as soon as that happened i turned off the computer entirely and disconnected my modem. i called aol and reset that password and locked out my steam account. he stole most of my skins.
all because i just wanted to hang out and play a game of counter strike.
monetary gain turns people sick. fuck skins. this shit is a toxicity upon the community, turning people into lowlife scum like this fuckwad all for a couple bucks and a few pretty pixels.
fuck you gabe. fuck you valve. fuck you, people. i am so fucking mad fucking fuck fuck fuck. so fucking stupid and gross.


two in forty-eight
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz
want it need it need it to make you feel heated
seriously tho in college bitches fall for meta-pickup lines so easily and so fast it makes your head spin but then youre back to the old pomo shit and again unconnected
listen before you walk into a room: "yeah he really is kind of fucked up" "yeah got that vibe" and what has really changed

Listening to Flaming Lips
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz
Makes me so depressed and happy at the same time. No definite feeling to it but a strong feeling. Here's what I think it is: I'm happy to be alive and have all these great people in my life but also, I'm gonna die and lose everything. Every time I feel connected to people I feel the duality of joy and eventual decay. "Life without death is just not possible". It's kinda like a rubber band. You can leave it flat your whole life but it still breaks. It's better to stretch it up (and then it goes down) because rubber bands always snap anyway. I love you all and I enjoy everything we do together. Fear is always my enemy and it's hard to fight. I wish I could be a hermit in the woods living like a flat rubber band but that wouldn't last. I miss you all so much. It hasn't even been that long but it's kinda hard to deal with.

(no subject)
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz


(no subject)
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz

I can't fucking smoke
kookus, love, dnd
grelkstreetboyz
It's 19 here

?

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